Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
