Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize