if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize