Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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