i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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