the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
