What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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