I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
