There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
someone owes me an orgasm
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
porn star boner night. come get it.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
