I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He? As in you personified your dick?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize