I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
