ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
