I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
