Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize