I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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