this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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