I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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