I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
worst night to have a conscience
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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