I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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