So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
