If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
we should paint friendship bongs
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