someone get that fucking seahorse.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
