I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
