At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
