Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
