allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
God, I missed his penis.
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