my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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