I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
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