I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
