New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Randomize
