I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
