Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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