I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
