The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
