1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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