Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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