we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
