Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
