I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
