M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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