I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I need to align my fucking chakras
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
