Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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