I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
