I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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