and you said cock pushups were impossible
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
