Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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