Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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