just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
