On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
