My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
