So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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