I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
