It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
