Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
