I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
