lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize