Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
