I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
