that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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