those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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