things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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