I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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