508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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