I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Vodka?
Forever.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
