One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
my shit smells like andre
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
