Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
It was like getting head from an anaconda
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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